somtimes, i really do wonder if i need all this.
at times they seem to be redundant, and then again, it seems pretty much essential in my life.
but when i really do think about it, i really can do without all this.
so why the hell am i holding on?
i totally detest people who are contradictive, yet, at this point of time, i'm being one of them.
i wonder if i hate myself.
maybe i do after all.
ramdom thought, mindless wanderings.
yet, nothing these days really make me want to act.
i'm being more and more nonchalant.
i wonder if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
i guess its more on the negative side huh?
not wanting to care,
not giving a damn.
but its funny how life is isnt it?
just a few weeks ago, i was so tied up with everything.
Everything that happened just hit me hard.
And now, who cares.
Its funny the way life goes around isn't it?
Being human sure is fun, yet frustrating.
Expectations, demands, emotions, etc etc
Are we all buns of steel?
Or is it all just a big pretense.
lots of people say i've changed
but changed into what?
i dont know.
they say it like its a bad thing
maybe i am a bad thing
maybe not
who knows
maybe i'm just pretending.
i dont feel like who i was anymore anyway
i feel completely different, like it aint me anymore.
the shell is there, just not the soul
deception is perfection and yet not of acceptance
oh well
people are hard to please
and i've learnt,
i cant please everyone.
might as well be selfish and ignore what others demand of you
[if only i could! hah!]
- Mood:Nonchalant would mean the worl
sigh
its been a week of holidays now
and i really miss school
i cant believe i'm saying this but i really do miss school
all that case reading, and law statutes and etc
it just seems to take up so much of my time and leave me no space at all to think about anything else
its been more then a week since everything happened
and i dont know why
but for some reason
i just feel that everything changed
or maybe its just me
i dont seem to be able to feel myself now anymore
it just seems so un-odelia
sigh
when people say "everyone goes through a bad patch in life"
i hope they didnt mean it would last that long
but who am i to comment
i say that to people too
and now? its my turn
i ask for nothing much
just to be able to be myself again
yet, there doesn't seem to be a chance to
sigh
wherever you may be
i've promised,
i'll be there for you
but when i need someone
will you be there?
i hope so
i'm seriously thinking of changing my livejournal address once again
i cant stand typing in the blog address
it just makes me feel so annoyed.
sigh
people come and go
but i hope, that i'll always be here to stay
along everyone who needs me
and vice versa
when i need all of you
i <3333333333333333 WHOM
i question life, and i ask why?
This falsehood always makes me cry;
how can existence be such a lie?
i travel through the maze of life,
through the bleeding, and the strife.
Along with me, i bring a knife,
in case i need to end said strife.
Or, perhaps if it need be,
the knife could find a use with me.
i can draw two pretty lines,
two pretty lines, that look like vines,
as i remember the good old times.
Now i can feel from up high,
drops of water, from the sky.
As i look up, i see the rain,
the rain to wash away all pain.
From said lines, or rather vines,
comes rushing, gushing, deep red blood,
the blood that ends up in the mud.
Whilst my sorrows wash away,
i realize it, my last day.
As my vision narrows in,
i ask myself, is this a sin?
A puddle, growing by my feet,
soon my heart will cease to beat.
My balance failing, vision ailing,
now i spear the spirits wailing.
Down i fall, beside the wall,
i crawl and slouch against said wall,
Now i feel death creeping in,
a place before i've never been.
i then cry, blindly ask why?
i hate myself and want to die.
really trying
and now
i'm just tired
from everything
no one seems to want to give me a chance
no one seems to want to listen to me
i give up
i dont want to try anymore
i dont want to be taken for granted anymore
i just want to be myself
i'm not myself anymore
i've forgotten what it means to laugh
i've forgotten what it means to care
all i know
is the meaning of demands
demands after demands after demands
please
just let me go
i'm really tired
i dont want to give in to anyone or anything anymore
just let me..
be myself
and the 27th of each and other month will turn my world inside out
because,
life is awesome with you around.
=)
- Mood:
chipper
in conjunction the previous pos, things have gone awfully wrong, not everything, but almost.
and there and then,
i wish i could just wind back the hands of the clock
back to the times before
where 'unpleasant' wasnt in my dictionary
i told myself i never want to regret anymore
but i'm still doing it
taking things for granted
everything
who can i blame?
none, but myself
if only i had been aware,
things wouldnt be like that.
just not the time,
i'm sorry,
just not now.
- Mood:
confused
or i've fallen.. hard
for some reason, all i wanted was not anyone else,
but to see you.
but it never did happen.
i knew it was impossible,
how could it happen,
i was half expecting you to turn up, even though deep down, i knew you wouldnt be there,
but all i wanted.
was just to see you.
it wasnt him i wanted to see
but it was you, your comforting face that i longed for.
but then again
how could i have been so naive
there was no way
disappointment.
it was just all a bad day, a nightmare.
everything that came piling on me,
that strength in me
finally caved in
and i broke down. hard.
i just couldnt take it anymore
mind in a whirl
everything just came together.
and bowled me over.
hit me hard
that's all to what a girl can take.
and here's my limit.
i plead guilty to the court of sorrow
and take me away
far away from here
where i would never shed a tear, again.
- Mood:
distressed
coming over, begging for forgiveness?
Doing shit stuff like this?
do you really think i would give you what you wanted? grant you forgiveness?
think again.
god didnt give us brains for nothing, so why cant you have just used that fucking brain of yours to think?!
you know how much fucking embarrassment you've caused me?
i told you once, twice.
over is over.
why the hell do you have to keep coming back into my life.
prying up all that hatred in me for you?
just buzz off will you?
screw off, fuck off. whichever you want.
being harsh nor nice is good for you.
what exactly do you want from me?!
i'm happy the way my life is now.
without you, and with HIM.
so why do you have to keep reappearing in my life, coming to me, like an idiot. acting like a retard?
just screw off.
and leave me alone.
if you want to make it up to me for the past,
here's how you can.
FUCKING SCREW OFF! AND STAY OUTTA MY LIFE!
- Mood:
pissed off
here's whats fucking wrong,
here's why i'm fucking pissed,
here's why i dont feel like talking to you
and
here's why i dont want to go anywhere with you
so open up yor eyes now, and fucking read this.
I''m fucking sick and tired of YOU treated me like a fucking substitute. I believe we've been through this before, and here we are again, right at the same fucking spot, where its all beginning again. You know what? You are nothing but a fucking hypocrite.
Once, fine.
Twice, i'll hold my words.
But thrice??
Enough is enough.
I am not someone who is there for you to toss to and fro as and when you like.
So much for the friends always,
So much for the i'll always be here for you,
So much for the stick together all te time.
Fuck it.
If you aint gonna honour your wods, i dont see the point in me honouring mine, nor keeping my promises to you.
Enough.
SO there.
I've said my piece.
And i'll not say it another time.
- Mood:
aggravated
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9582dontwait- Odelia
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