sigh
its been a week of holidays now
and i really miss school
i cant believe i'm saying this but i really do miss school
all that case reading, and law statutes and etc
it just seems to take up so much of my time and leave me no space at all to think about anything else

its been more then a week since everything happened
and i dont know why
but for some reason
i just feel that everything changed

or maybe its just me

i dont seem to be able to feel myself now anymore
it just seems so un-odelia
sigh
 

when people say "everyone goes through a bad patch in life"

i hope they didnt mean it would last that long

but who am i to comment

i say that to people too

and now? its my turn

i ask for nothing much

just to be able to be myself again

yet, there doesn't seem to be a chance to

sigh

wherever you may be
i've promised,
i'll be there for you

but when i need someone
will you be there?
i hope so


i'm seriously thinking of changing my livejournal address once again
i cant stand typing in the blog address
it just makes me feel so annoyed.


sigh
people come and go
but i hope, that i'll always be here to stay
along everyone who needs me
and vice versa
when i need all of you




i <3333333333333333 WHOM

in conjunction the previous pos, things have gone awfully wrong, not everything, but almost.

and there and then,
 i wish i could just wind back the hands of the clock
back to the times before
where 'unpleasant' wasnt in my dictionary

i told myself i never want to regret anymore

but i'm still doing it
taking things for granted
everything

who can i blame?
none, but myself
if only i had been aware,
things wouldnt be like that.

just not the time,
i'm sorry,
just not now.

here's whats fucking wrong,
here's why i'm fucking pissed,
here's why i dont feel like talking to you
and
here's why i dont want to go anywhere with you

so open up yor eyes now, and fucking read this.

I''m fucking sick and tired of YOU treated me like a fucking substitute. I believe we've been through this before, and here we are again, right at the same fucking spot, where its all beginning again. You know what? You are nothing but a fucking hypocrite.

Once, fine.
Twice, i'll hold my words.
But thrice??

Enough is enough.

I am not someone who is there for you to toss to and fro as and when you like.

So much for the friends always,
So much for the i'll always be here for you,
So much for the stick together all te time.

Fuck it.

If you aint gonna honour your wods, i dont see the point in me honouring mine, nor keeping my promises to you.

Enough.


SO there.

I've said my piece.

And i'll not say it another time.

i detest people who are like so thick skin and self proclaim whatever crap they think they should have it.

fuck it people.

ask for opinions lah.

and if you ask for fuck sakes, LISTEN and NOT hear.

There is a big fucking difference can.

what the hell

i hate fucking fags like ********

rawr

Recently alot of people have been giving my ambiguous replies, comments, feedbacks and answers.

And guess what? I hate it(no surprise there.)
I men like if you have the guts to say it then say it in my fucking face. dont give me fucking answers that have different fucking meanings and interpretations.

Not just people around me, teachers and everyone have been doing that.
Whats with that?

Can people just make it fucking clear of what they want to say instead of beating the bush.

I'm fine with hidden meanings, but multiple interpretations? What the fuck?

Not everyone knows what these words really mean. Just say it once and for all. 

Whats so hard about that?

Direct and simple.

I dont see have that can kill anyone. 


i realied that i've been getting very pissed often. Especially during school. I dont know hy. Everything just seems to pile on top of another. I feel so damn tied and exhausted. Only to the end of the day, i get accused by people. 
You know what really pisses me off? 
Its that i know i'm putting effort, but people still tell me that i'm so darn fucking ineffectual. Who are you to judge me? Who are you to criticise me? You aint me and you aint my parents nor my teachers, so who are you to tell me that i am ineffectual? You cant judge me nor tell me who i am, yet why are you doing that all the time?

STOP. STOP!

You fucking annoyance, a thorn in my flesh.

Criticise no more, judge me no more. For now, i stand up against you.

This is war. No more burying of the hatchet. It should never have been buried in the first place.

Die bitch.

I will not turn my back anymore, not for you to hurl knives at me.
I will not take it lightly anymore, only for you to take advantage.

No more of this tolerance shit. For i had enough. 

Either one of us will perish, bitch.

And for whatever it takes, that will be you, bitch.

I feel the anger rise up in me
The same anger
That makes me bleed
Inside
In my heart and in my soul
Killing me
With soft whispers of hate
Softly, deeply
But quickly my blood flows
Outwards, pouring
Showing its true power to the world
Slowly but surely
It destroys me
I am not it
But it has become me
Angry is all I seem to feel lately
Why can’t I just once be free
From the anger that’s trapped inside me
The anger which you provide
The anger which you create
The anger that’s inside me now
Only at me it eats
The only emotion we ever shared
Was anger
The only words we ever said
Were yelled
Why can’t you accept me the way I am
The way I want to be
Instead of turning me into somebody else
The person you wished you could be
I am not you
And never will be
Your thoughts are your own
So how can I know what you’re thinking?
I can’t
But you expect me to
You yell and scream and hate
For I can’t read your mind
Though I try
Anything to make you happy
To stop the fighting and the screams
To stop the constant anger inside me

a month plus a few days to my semester exams. I gotta have the discipline ot sit down and study. =X anyone wants to study with me?!?!?!

No matter how hard i try to change and be hardworking, the word "exam" and "tests" and what not related indefinitely tends to put me off. Dont ask me why. I wouldnt know. I guess it does for everyone huh?

And not to mention i totally lack self discipline to sit down and actually study, i got this tenancy to hop around, walk, fidget, i just gotta move. My mum apparently, calls this the 'itchy-butt-syndrome". Yes yes, i have to omove okay. I cant sit down for even 10mins without fidgeting!

Hence the plea for help to study with me, so that i do actually feel guilty about not studying and really STUDY.

STUDYYYYY!!!


many a times we make mistakes
and we say we have to learn from them
but yet again
how much time do we have to do that?
ponder.




No he isnt in jail. He just loves to show his emo-ing face, and act innocent when he's done something wrong.

I love my baby, odie. =D








I know this post is pretty random. But hey, who cares? My blog, my rants, my randomness. Right?

Recently, alot of people, and i do mean ALOT, have been having relationship problems. Whats with that. =/ And then i got down to thinking about karma. What comes around goes around. And i do believe in karma. I wonder if it will happen to me. HOHO. In a good way of course. =D

anyways, back to the relationship thingy. Suddenly everyoe's so emotional and sentimental about their relationships, and i'm wondering if i really did loved him. Weird huh? like it took me three days to whine and be wilful about it. But then again, after that, i just thought, ah just fuck it. And so it took me three hours to tink of all the negatives, and only 3minute to make a decision. Its a wonder how some people take months and years, and for me? it isnt even a quater of a day. And so, it set me thinking, was it just infatuation i had? Or cani really overcome things like that *snap*. But then again, it felt so right, well at least to me. ANd now, i'm thinking(yes, again), why in the world did i choose him? There's like soo many other eligible guys out there, people like YY(although i so wouldnt consider him) and maybe Zach(eligible, but not in consideration), Oh oh and hengsin(oh my, his head is soooo gonna swell after he reads it). But yes. Guys like them, why the hell did i even consider anyone below them. They should be of my standards! Why the heck did i even lower my standards at all. Damn. Now i totally feel pretty stupid about the decisions i made. Hell!

I guess what they say "love is blind", i guess now i really know what it really means. 

And then again, for now? I'm free to choose whoever i want. And, hopefully, the next would blind me but instead leave me without regrets.

Fate.

Fate is such a funny yet such a deep word. So what really is fate?

Day in day out, i hear my peeps talking about fate. But really, what exactly is fate?

I've never really believed in what people called fate. I just believed that fate lies in my own hands. Things that i want, i get i for myself, and not wait for it to happen to me. 

But then again, fate. Destiny.

Its so simple yet so complex.

At times when i come to think of it, its really something that i cannot explain and is definitely not a coincidence.

So, maybe un-superstitious me is unknowingly falling into the hands of fate and is starting to believing what is fate and destiny.

And hence, there is something such as fate. Afterall. 

Hall of doors
You walk through the hall of doors
With life in sight with death in mind
You watch people open their doors
And you think of how the doors and fate bind

You watch waiting to see your exit
As you see others turn down their path to their end
You know that the paths can not change
You know even with time fate shall not mend

Down the hall you walk
Doors lining each side
Every person holds the key to one of those locks
All around you people stride

Doors open
As people come to their door mats
You walk by doors just hoping,
hoping the next isn't yours, isn't your mat

You watch parents and children leaving eachothers sides
You see love being torn, hate being sewn
as the doors open wide
Some people leave together, some alone

You wait to see your door, your fate
You watch to see which door your key fits
You watch to see if your heart is with love or hate
You watch untill you find the mat at which you shall sit

You walk through the hall of doors
With life in sight, death in mind
You watch as people open their doors
You wait to see which door your fate lays behind.

yes, so i havent been blogging in a matter of days, and so here i am.

The past few days has well,been terrible.

the sequence of events that happened, was absolutely energy consuming. fights, quarrels, projects.
and the vast emotions that were nonetheless inevitable, were terribly energy sucking too.

i'm like so tired now. not just physically, but mentally as well. but yet again, i find myself thinking about so many things, am i doing whats right? or is it just plain wrong wrong and wrong? if i'm right, then why is that i feel like the whole world is against me? but if i'm wrong, why does it that no matter how hard i try, people still aint pleased?

its me vs the world.
Sometimes I try not to hate myself
For everything I never said
When you were here
And so I'm burning up photographs
Of what was a perfect past
'Cause I'm still here
But I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

It's so hard that I try to bury it
Pretend that you didn't exist
So I can be strong
But I feel sick
And I feel diseased
'Cause everyone abandons me
And I can't move along
'Cause I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

I can not pretend you didn't exist
Misery is just a state of mind
Hiding from the world's no way to live
So I'll convince myself that I'll be fine
I'll be fine
But since I lost you I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference between
Me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt

So I look up to the stars
And wonder out loud
Why everything I had in life
Has fallen from my arms
Can you even hear this song?
I'm screaming at the clouds
Screaming to a galaxy
That never cared at all
That I need you here  

all that questions,running through my head. when can i find my answers to them?